APA50

FUBAR Chapter Three: Last In First Out

Kyle was still fuming about the layoffs as he left Tom's cube and made his way upstairs to Marketing past a line of mounted product posters that were now relics of a vanished era when Amalgamated RF was on top of its game - before the failed IPO gave everyone in the company a 12 month head start on the Great Recession. The plunging stock price had coincided with massive product failures, angry customers, lost market share, layoffs and employee morale that had reached third-world refugee status.

This company is a real dog, he thought, as he sat down in front of his computer and an Outlook reminder popped up: Performance Review. Kyle groaned.

Back downstairs and at the end of a long corridor, the door to the SuperHet Conference Room was open, and his VP Rick Washburn was typing away on his laptop.

"Hey buddy," he said cheerfully, as if his best-est pal had just walked into the room.

Glad-handing prick, he thought. "Good morning Rick," he said.

"This won't take too much of your time. Another great review Kyle: 92 out of 100. Congratulations. If we were getting bonuses this year you would receive 100% of yours. The only thing you got dinged-on is, the president and the CEO still have a problem with your writing skills. I captured it under Interpersonal Relationships, number 13: 'As a continued area of improvement Kyle needs to focus on his press releases, and writing skills to incorporate feedback from Exec-Com and capture the true voice of the customer.'"

Kyle's blood pressure surged to around 160 over 100. "Yeah, I'll be sure to work on that," he muttered.

"Hey - no worries," said Rick. "It's still a very good review. I told you this would be quick. Do you have any questions?"

"No sir!" replied Kyle in soldierly fashion, getting up to leave. "Thanks for your help on this."

"Don't thank me - thank HR for putting us through this valuable 6-month review process. I would say your job is more secure as a result."

"Great!" Kyle's parting comment sounded enthusiastic, but his facial expression was hard to read as he walked down the hall past the lunchroom. Was Washburn being sarcastic? Maybe he wasn't such an A-hole after all. He mulled that one over for a minute.

"Naw," he concluded.

[contributed by Ken - now it's your turn!]

FUBAR Chapter Two: Snacking with Sally

It's been several hours since my last Little Debbie Snack Cake (R); is it that time again? Don't mind if I do. Lord, bless this sugar and help me put it to good use. Amen.   

Perhaps I have misjudged Kyle Richards. Today I heard him call Melvin a tool. I am happy that my division leader's shortcomings are apparent even to a marketer. 

I should have been a VP by now myself. I have far more product design expertise than Melvin and, like him, I have the extra adipose tissue that confers partial immunity from stress and the negative effects of cosmic rays. Perhaps not as much extra as Melvin, or Jabba, as Tom [Ken what's the Ch1 narrator's name? Using Tom until you pick one] so cleverly names him, but give me time. 

I spoke to Tom again today! Just casually put my head over the top of his cubicle to discuss current events. He was as dismissive as he usually is. He does not yet recognise that he and I are soul-mates, destined to work together to maximize the company's bottom line, but here too I am willing to wait. Eventually Tom will have to realise that I am his destiny! 

Our children will have my brilliant analytical strengths ... as well as Tom's striking good looks and the charm and people-sensitivity that would have put him in an executive office already, if not for the jealousy of his managers, who keep him corralled in the cubicle with the worst feng shui on the floor. Don't you see how much we have in common? 

Some days I worry that instead perhaps the kids would have my looks and Tom's brains. But then I remind myself that the God I believe in would not be so cruel. 

Of course given that Tom and I are both dedicated workaholics, the children would have to be raised by our high-priced staff of nannies. And all this will cost money. Corporate turnaround first, romance afterwards. 

Kyle and Tom don't know it yet, but our lives are about to get even more exciting than they are now. The new Director is a devotee of the Theory of Constraints. He has a plan to fix the production problems and the back orders at the same time. The plan starts with all of us reading Eliyahu Goldratt's "novel" The Goal or, if we can't read, pretending to. Then we follow its prescriptions to begin designing quality products and shipping them on time. It's going to be a wild ride.

[written by Julianne - now it's your turn!]

FUBAR Chapter One: Corpse Queen of the G.O.P.

Kyle Richards was seething as he dropped into the other chair in my tiny veal fattening pen. He wasn't whispering so much as hissing.

"I can't believe that friggin' tool Melvin still has a job when two dozen employees are getting laid off today - and it's all his fault! How can it not be his fault when all the products are breaking and our customers are telling us to F-off and die?"

"Jabba?" I whispered. "He's too big to fail."

"What kind of leadership is that? What kind of company would tolerate that? Our products have been crap for years - and he's the VP of Engineering!"

"Senior VP," I said.

"The new products are always late and they break right out of the box - and they're always backordered for months. But now! Every single new SKU is defective! Not one of them doesn't have major design flaws and software bugs - not to mention crappy workmanship."

"Designed and poorly engineered in the USA," I said.

"Manufactured by slave labor in China. What the hell? This is unbelievable. And did you see we have a new Director on the Board? I saw it on Yahoo! Finance - he owns three million shares of our stock."

"Whoa - at 10¢ a share that's 300 grand! The guy must be fairly well off - not to mention dumb as a rock."

"I don't know man - why would someone want to own 3 million shares of this steamer unless they have some kind of plan?"

"Well good luck finding out what it is. Our IR site hasn't been updated since we got delisted."

Kyle pulled his chair around so it faced my monitor. "Go to Google News and see if you can find it." I tapped some keys and clicked my mouse - and a woman's face came on the screen: scrawny, with bags under her eye sockets, and dirty long blonde hair ironed flat to the sides of her skull.

"Ugh," I exclaimed. "Blaming the Liberals for the recession."

"Tell your girlfriend she can kiss my ass," he replied. A pudgy female head prairie-dogged over the wall of my cubicle.

"She was right about converting the Jews," said Sally Bishop piously.

"Jesus," said Kyle disgustedly. "I'm leaving. Have a blessed day."

I gave Sally a significant glance. "Personal space violation," I noted.

"I'm just sayin'," she replied.

[written by Kennedy - now it's your turn!]

Ken's challenge

"We really should think about capturing the zeitgeist in some kind of creative endeavor - I mean us, we Apa*50ans, collectively. I thought of a Dickensian (or even Dickian) serial story, where one person starts with a single-page Chapter One and sends it to the group, and then someone else adds onto it with a single page Chapter Two - and if two people happen to supply a Chapter Two then the story branches there (kind-of like an Org Chart) and then there are two Chapter Twos out there, and it might branch again and again...I will wait until we all get this mailing to e-mail you something, but please put your thinking caps on: it might be fun!"