This piece was inspired by a recent collaborator of mine. To keep them anonymous, I'll call them Collaborator Z. CZ for short, and yes they are sparkling. They're not on the list.
CZ's therapist says CZ has CPTSD, "the kind that prisoners of war get," from recurring psychic damage with no way to escape. The prison camp was their childhood, in which they were not only neglected/ignored, but also gaslit, frequently told that they were being treated better than any child EVER and they were lucky, lucky. CZ eventually escaped but their brain didn't forget the years when no one listened.
(That there was a kind of "Christianity" in this mix, too, will not surprise many of you. But CZ is telling their own story now and there will be a happy ending.)
I know that awful childhoods are common, and deeply respect everyone who has survived one. And let us remember all those who didn't.
~~~
For my families, the four years since November 2016 have been a microcosm of what the entire US has been going through: illness, poverty, and death. (In the context of white privilege, which is what gave me that air of surprise when each bad thing happened. We have lung damage from smoke but missed most of the bad weather, but Puerto Rico! God fucking dammit Hurricane Maria, and our nation's official response.) Each death has left a permanent hole. But there has been some comfort (that's another essay) and one achievement.
In November 2016 my wife (Val) and I decided we would make every word be the truth as we knew it. At work. At home. Everywhere. And when we made mistakes we tried to correct them. (Truth for you now: stopping lying to myself was the hardest.) In time, speaking the truth, usually quietly, moved from a habit to a transformative practice. This is all background for this week's conversation with CZ.
~~~
CZ has two recurring verbal patterns that I think are from the CPTSD.
The first one is that CZ constantly says, "Do you know what I mean?" Every other sentence is that question. It's not loud so I quickly learned to let it roll over me, except (I am literal) when I actually don't know what CZ just meant and take it as the opportunity to ask a clarifying question.
But it is of course an indicator of the amount of time that CZ was NOT being understood, and how as a result they are still. constantly. checking.
The second one is that CZ (who may be what Eric Van used to call a "high dopamine person") often says/yells, "NO, LITERALLY!!" after things I say.
Me: [something that is true for me in this moment]
CZ: NO, LITERALLY!
Me: yes, I meant that literally or yes, it's true for me right now, that's why I said it.
Sometimes CZ doubles down. "NO, LITERALLY!! I MEAN, LITERALLY!!"
This one is harder for me because what I want in that moment is CZ's reaction to what I just said, not just BEING AGHAST AND STUNNED AT BEING UNDERSTOOD. So this week we had a talk about these patterns of CZ's, and how I'm bringing this second one up partly because it annoys me (NVC translation: my need for communication is not being met) and partly because CZ is going to want to collaborate with other people in the future who might not be as patient with these patterns. I don't usually think of my collaborators as if they're a campsite but I want to leave this one better than I found them.
~~~
And of course the moment I hung up the phone I realized that there are phrases about which I want to say, "no, literally," and here are this week's:
CENSORSHIP THROUGH NOISE
WHITE SUPREMACY
SLOW MOTION ATTEMPTED COUP
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